I've always been one of those people who wondered why people have blogs. In all honesty I've not read very many. But then I realized that even if I never show this to anyone I could at least have something/somewhere to ramble.... Now if you've stumbled upon this exceedingly boring blog may I warn you that that is all this is... ramblings of a mother, nanny, wife, sister, daughter, friend, Child of God, etc, etc. so there may be things of interest to you, however I must say this will be my first attempt at being "selfish" and am truly just writing this for ME! lol So now that we've got that covered lets begin.
Theres really not much to say about me and I'm not sure what I'm really going to be writing on for the most part, but for today I'd like to talk about where I'd like my life to go. Growing up I never felt comfortable being me, and now that I'm older (can't believe I'm 27 I feel soooo OLD! but thats for another post) and a mom I am trying to figure out who I am so that my child doesn't have the same identity crisis. For as long as I can remember I was teased and told I wasn't good enough mainly by my peers but some "family" as well. It truly crushed me and made me be someone who always tried to please everyone no matter what it cost ME. While I'm still like this today I'm trying hard to change. I want to know what i would have been had I not sat out every sport, play, choir, etc. Because contrary to popular belief I would have loved to do any one of those things, but because I was so shy and had the self esteem of a gnat I hid myself and tried NEVER EVER to be in the spotlight. I was fat, I was ugly, I was poor, I mean I had NOTHING going for me. And even having been a Christian my whole life and knowing that God loved me I'm sad to say it was never good enough in MY eyes. Maybe if I write things out they will eventually fall off my memory and I will remember more of the "good" things. Don't get me wrong I'm not all emo and going to kill myself because I had a horrible childhood. I actually feel outside of school and select family gatherings I had a wonderful childhood thanks to a Mom who worked 2-3 jobs at a time to keep me clothed (albeit barely) and with a roof over MY head and a car, i honestly would have rather she'd spent more time with me but I know that she was doing what she thought best and i'm thankful for that. I also have many other people to thank but will get to that later. I'm thankful to God that I didn't turn out horribly. Yes I've gone through many "bad" phases and done many things I'm not proud of, but I'm not a drug addict, i'm not an alcoholic, i don't live on the streets and even though i'm not "rich" i'm by no means "poor" anymore. Yes there are many things i wish i could have changed or done differently. My biggest regret is not participating for fear of being laughed at, ridiculed, or worse. But i wish i'd have done things anyway. I had many friends just because I was a nice, genuine person, but there were many people who liked to make my life miserable. Thanks to God that I can forgive them and while i will never forget i'm working on putting it to the back of my memory and not letting it get to me anymore. I've never felt like I was good enough for anything, never felt i should even be here. But now i know that God has a purpose and a plan for me. I haven't quite figure it out yet, but I know that if I continue to search and be in His word and try to walk closely with Him He will show me what He put me on this earth for.
So if you made it this far you are brave! I told you it would be random ramblings! lol I'm going to stop now and read some more of my book. I may share my notes on it at some point. Its such a good book!
Have a wonderful and blessed day!
